THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
