woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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