Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
