I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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