woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
