Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
