saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize