When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
