So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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