i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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