My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
