Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
