i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
