i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
