Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
