I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
