dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
