I heard we made out
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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