Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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