bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
