never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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