Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
