i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
