I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
