god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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