I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
