I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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