cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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