can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just puked most of my soul out..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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