So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
