i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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