Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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