Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
