I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
