i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We don't watch enough power rangers
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
