just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
