mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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