I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize