It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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