hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
