So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
