My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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