thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
