Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
