oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
