Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
