So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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