at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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