Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
