I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
