I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
