her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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