I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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