i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
