I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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