walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize