You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
