Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
