Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
