I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
that's an acceptable place to lick
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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